So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
