sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Even the bartender felt bad for me
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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