The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
