I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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