Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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