what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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