Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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