I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
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