This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
