I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
this hospital has no fireball
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
