I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think I am morally bankrupt
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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