Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
