Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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