i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
