Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
