I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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