if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
