His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
