Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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