I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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