ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
