my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
A+ Viking dick
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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