all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
