the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
