I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
