just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
