You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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