ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
