He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
