i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
