I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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