just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
