Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
