This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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