Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
