I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
