It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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