New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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