dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
