I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
