He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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