Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
