I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
