That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
