I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
