Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize