I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
