we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
