Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
