He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
