He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
