btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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