i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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