What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
