Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
