Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize