Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
